Punch In The Face

Things I want to punch in the face: Single People.

by

Okay, before you burn me at the stake, let me clarify I don’t want to punch all single people in the face. No, just the annoying desperate single people who remind me everyday on Facebook and twitter that they haven’t yet found the love of their life. I get that you may have been single for a few years now. I also get that you would probably prefer to be swept off your feet by Mr/Ms Right sooner rather than later. But please, for the love of all that is good, stop sharing your lackluster love life with the world.

Here are just two such examples of Facebook posts that have recently polluted my feed:

and…

Or how about the million tweets I’ve seen that go something like “OMG super cute guy just walked by. :::squeals::: Really hope he comes and talks to me.”

No. No. No. You want to how to get that guy to talk to you? Approach him and start a conversation. Weird huh? Tweeting to a bunch of random strangers about some fantasy love affair you are having with a guy that “just walked by” will pretty much ensure you stay single for at least a few more years.

“That girl’s desperation is totally sexy”

– Said no one ever. 

Now before you go off and accuse me of “not understanding” single life because I am married, let me remind you that from my senior year of high school, all the way until my senior year of college, I was 100% single. Not one girlfriend. Heck, not even one prospect. Not only had I not had a girlfriend for that four-year stint, but I hadn’t kissed anyone during that time either.

College is supposed to be one’s dating prime, right? 

I get wanting to be in a relationship, I really do. But if you aren’t comfortable/confident in yourself as a single individual you aren’t ready to be in a relationship. In fact, the only thing more annoying than a status update from a desperate single person, is a status update from a desperate ex-single person who has found themselves in a new relationship. You know those status updates I posted above? Well she’s got a new boyfriend and now I get updates like this on my news feed:


Glad homegirl found happiness, but come on I don’t need a status update every day about how much you love the guy you’ve known for 72 hours. I’m not so convinced she actually likes this guy as much as she just likes not having to be single anymore. Anyone else get that impression?

Being single is not a disease nor should it be your identity. If your status updates and tweets make it seem like your love life (or lack thereof) is your primary concern I want to challenge you to use a different metric to measure your worth….or at the very least do yourself a favor and delete your Facebook 🙂

Things I want to punch in the face: Some Christians and Some Non-Christians.

by

It’s no secret that I love me some Jesus. I realize that many of you don’t and, although I wish you did, I’d never try and debate you in to Christianity, so don’t worry. Every now and again, I like to step away from the typical money posts, and write about things I want to punch in the face, this week Christians and Non-Christians are on the chopping block.

Punching Some Christians:

I myself am a Christian, but sometimes I find myself embarrassed to admit it. Not because I want to hide my faith, but because many of my fellow believers make me want to punch a baby kitten. Take for example the way “we” have handled Gay Marriage.  Regardless of whether homosexuality is (or is not) a sin according to the Bible, the church (in my opinion) has failed miserably at handling this issue. Fifty percent of Christian marriages end in divorce. Why isn’t the church spending as much time, energy, and resources on combatting divorce as they are preventing gay marriage? I’m reminded of this verse: “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” Come on church, let’s worry about ourselves before we try and determine what is best for others.

I’ll be the first to admit it, I get annoyed by some of my Christian friends on Facebook, to the point where I’ve even unfriended some of them. If your only reason for having a FB account is to post political or religious status updates, I probably don’t want to be your friend. Something leads me to believe Jesus wouldn’t spend his time updating his Facebook status, but instead he’d be out meeting people IN REAL LIFE, actively living out his faith. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind a verse, or inspirational spiritual update every now and again, but for the love of all that is good, keep it to a minimum.

Punching Some Non-Christians: 

Please note the word “some”. This does not mean I want to punch all non-Christians in the face. The non-Christians I speak of are the people who go out of their way to bash God or bash Christians. I hate to break it to ya, but Jesus is the only standard of Christianity. So if you have an issue with Ted Haggard or Westboro Baptist Church that’s on them, not God. Please don’t assume that because some Christians think “God Hates Fags”, means all Christians feel the same. If you are looking at the church or even individual people to be your example of God, you will be disappointed every time. We are all messed up, some just try harder than others to be less messed up.

I also take issue with people who challenge my intelligence because I believe in God (this is essentially the same issue I have with Democrats and Republicans… Instead of learning to coexist, they just keep saying why the other party is dumb and wrong). Truth is, neither Christians nor Non-Christians have ALL the answers. When are we going to be willing to admit that? 

End Rant

Things I want to punch in the face: Hipsters

by

Seeing that Thanksgiving is just around the corner for us Americans, I figure most bloggers will be writing about things they are thankful for. I already did that last month, so there is no need for me to repeat myself. Instead, I’ll go against the grain, and blog about something I want to punch in the face. This go around, Hipsters are up on the chopping block.

Let’s break this down….

Hair:

Look. If you have to do the hair-flippy-head-bob more than once every five minutes to keep the hair out of your eyes, I have an easy solution. CUT YOUR FREAKIN’ HAIR! I can’t even pay attention to what you are saying because instead of listening to you, I’m trying to figure out if you are having a mild seizure and need medical assistance. Your hair is not as cool as you think it is.

Glasses:

If your glasses have no lenses in them, you sir/madam are a tool. Those of us with REAL vision issues are offended by your blatant mockery of our impairment.  I hate everything about you. EVERYTHING.

Cleavage V-neck:

If the bottom of your v-neck is parallel to your nipples, I have news for you… YOUR V-NECK IS TOO LOW. I use to think busty women were the only people guilty of over-cleavage-ing society. Sadly, that is no longer the case.

Skinny Jeans:

Hey, don’t get me wrong. I love skinny jeans…on Girl Ninja. But male hipsters hear this, if your jeans are so tight I can literally see the outline of your “you know what”, it’s time to get yourself a new pair of pants. I honestly don’t get this trend at all. How do you not feel at least a little silly when you step foot outside? Oh wait, that’s right, your glasses don’t actually help you see. ::facepalm::

The stache:

Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck are the only two men on earth that have earned the right to rock a mustache. Period.

I can think of at least 78 billion more things that bother me about hipsters including, but not limited to; slouch beanies, scarf wearing when it is 60+ degrees outside, tattoos on your wrists, leather satchels, and the infamous janitor key ring hanging off your belt loop.

In sum, I hate hipsters.

 

Things I want to punch in the face: Shoppers

by

As I sit here typing this blog post, Girl Ninja is next to me surfing the interwebz. Each time I glance over, she is on a new website, couch shopping. In the last 15 minutes, she’s been on the Victoria’s Secret, American Eagle, and Nordstrom website. She needs to join Shopaholics anonymous.

I’m long overdue for a quasi-sexist post, so I might as well do one today. WHAT IS WITH YOU WOMEN AND YOUR CONSTANT NEED TO SHOP!? It’s insane. Maybe you, woman reader, don’t have a shopping addiction, but many of your female counterparts do. Don’t believe me? Go in to Target, Gap, Nordstrom, or just about any store for that matter and take a look at the products offered. About 80% of the Target clothing section is for women, 10% for kids, and 10% for men. Nordstrom has three floors dedicated to women, and half of one floor for dedicated to men. There is no denying that the shopaholics anonymous club is dominated by the X chromosome.

As a male, or at least as someone that hates shopping, I just don’t get it. If I need a new pair of jeans you wanna know what I do? I go to the mall, walk in to a store, and buy a pair of jeans. I’m in and out in 20 minutes. I don’t need to go in to every freakin’ store that sells jeans. And I sure as heck don’t walk out having bought a pair of jeans, three shirts, a fleece jacket, and a picture frame. When Girl Ninja tells me she is going shopping for a tank top, I know that is code for “I may or may not come back with half of Target in my backseat.”

The worst offenders of them all are window shoppers. I will never understand this rare breed of humans. They go to a mall, not to buy things, but to simply look at things. How depressing? You spend hours looking at cute clothes, that you probably want, but wont actually buy. That would be like going to a five star restaurant so you can look at the food, but not actually eat it. When’s the last time you did that? Probably never. You know why? CAUSE THAT WOULD BE CRAZY!

I will never, for the life of me, understand how Girl Ninja can spend so much time shopping, at the mall, online, and in magazines. Can someone please explain to me what is fun about shopping? Why is shopping primarily a female sport? Any dudes out there willing to admit they are part of shopaholics anonymous?

 

Punch this quote in the face

by

On my way back to Seattle after an amazing weekend in san diego. I have one last guest post for ya this morning.

Tim is the author of Faith and Finance, a personal finance blog that isn’t afraid to talk about reasons why you shouldn’t tithe and other cool things like that. In his spare time, he likes playing the sax, a good game of Catan, and eating Andy’s frozen custard.

You’ve probably heard this quote before, ‘The more you make, the more you spend.”

I hate it. Why? Because as much as I don’t want to admit, I’ve seen this quote’s ugly face peer its way into our finances, and I just want to punch it – right in the face.

About a year after my wife and I were married, I had an itch to buy a different car. Did I NEED a newer car….no. Did I just get a raise and justify the ‘great deal’ as something we ‘deserved.’ Yes, yes I did.

Dumb.

Since then, we’ve done a better job in putting to use any raises and have even set ourselves up to lose an income while my wife goes to med school this fall. The next four years should be interesting, but I’m expecting the years after med school to be even more difficult with respect to this nasty quote.

I’m not digging for sympathy here…we’ll be just fine with a doctor’s salary. The problem is that we’ll be hacking away at 200k worth of school debt for a few years and I DO NOT want to fall into the trap of spending more because we’re making more. I know a few doctors and lawyers who are making great money, but have a boatload of debt because they’re living it up with their super salaries and ignoring their debt.

The cruel part about this quote is that it doesn’t care how much you make. You can pull six figures and be broke, while someone making $50k laughs because they’re in a much better financial position.

So what’s the solution?

I think contentment is a huge piece of the equation. If you can’t be content with the small things, how can you expect to be content with the big ticket items?

Automated savings is another way to break free of the ‘make more, spend more’ curse. If there were one quote that could punch the ‘make more, spend more’ quote in the face it’d be this: ‘If you don’t see it, you won’t miss it.’ This is how we were able to replace one of my wife’s checks. We started setting aside a little extra from my paychecks each month and now we’re automatically saving an amount equivalent to one of her checks.

Have you ever been sucker punched by this quote ‘The More You Make, The More You Spend.” If so, how did you come out from under it?

Things writers want to punch in the face: Bloggers

by

Today’s guest post comes from author Caitlin Kelley. A regular contributor to The New York Times since 1990, she has written for USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, Glamour, More, and other publications in Canada and Europe. Her newest book, “Malled: My Unintentional Career In Retail” is out April 14th.

If I woke up tomorrow with the persistent belief that,  because I love using words like medulla oblangata or “stat!” or like how I look in a surgical gown, I was now — shazzam! — a neurosurgeon, many people would be quick to disabuse me of this notion.

It would instead, require years of study and practice and oversight by extremely demanding teachers, and passing exams to prove my competency, before I would be legally and safely allowed to start cutting open people’s heads.

But anyone anywhere can flip open a laptop and decide, after banging a few keys, they’re A Writer.

Not only is everyone now A Writer, but they howl en masse in wounded outrage when people like me – author of two non-fiction works published by major commercial houses, veteran of three daily newspapers, winner of fellowships and awards – suggest it’s actually, you know, work.

Becoming a writer worth reading actually requires skill, training, editing, self-editing, revision, reflection and often discarding entire chunks of material.

I’m all for enthusiasm and passion and new ideas. Book publishing would die without all of these. But how many of these soi-disant Writers network daily with dozens of other skilled, accomplished writers and ask for their feedback and advice?

And what happens when it’s negative? Do they give up?

It’s not fun having your ideas and skills examined and questioned, or your assumptions — whether about word choice, point of view, character or historical context — challenged.

Yet hundreds of bloggers are convinced they have a book – a whole shelf of them! – in them. And every day I find another few dozen whiny or moaning blog posts about “I don’t feel like writing today” or “I want to sell my book!” Or how they totally don’t intend to negotiate the pesky obstacle course of commercial publishing, as if it were for, you know, losers.

If so, why are the most successful writers still doing it?

If you seriously want to get your book published, here’s what we all did:

Find and impress an agent, write a book proposal, work on it for free for months until s/he thinks it’s ready, submit it to publishers, who may reject it with really snotty emails, and pray someone somewhere finally says, Yes!

(Like surgery, this is not a risk-free business. For all its terrific pleasures – Great reviews! Your book in stores! — it’s also routinely filled with last-minute surprises and unexpected costs, rejection and revision and self-doubt.)

Newbies’ naivete about all of this drives me crazy. It won’t be like that for me, they insist.

In the world of commercial book publishing, there’s no single-digit “publish” button.

For every book now in the marketplace, a dozen or more people, each with very strong opinions – and their professional reputations and future income riding on their selections – chose those books from among the thousands, literally, each month competing for their attention and investment.

Talking about writing is often a lot more fun than actually writing.

ninja’s notes: I have posted numerous times that I don’t feel like blogging on random days, but I’ve also never claimed to a) like writing, b)call myself a writer, or c)have any desire to publish a book….unless said book can contain a bunch of stick figure drawings.

Things I want to punch in the face: Facebookers

by

facebook poke

I’ve blogged a handful of times now about things I want to punch in the face, but nothing, I mean NOTHING bothers me more than than annoying Facebookers. When I log on to Facebook I’m generally trying to do three things, 1) Creep on peoples’ walls, 2) Creep peoples’ pictures, and 3) See what’s happening on my news feed. Here are a list of things I don’t want to see on Facebook…

My parents being more active than me:

Dad Ninja, as far as I know, doesn’t have Facebook. Mom Ninja joined a few weeks ago. I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty weirded out when she joined the cult. Fortunately, she’s pretty low key. She’s not friend requesting the bageezus out of my friends. She’s not writing on my wall. And she’s not commenting on my pictures. As long as momz keeps it on the down low, I got no problem.

Facebook gamers:

Holy guacamole, no joke, if I see another freakin’ post about someone buying pigs on farmville, dealing drugs in mafia wars, and getting a new high score in bejeweled, I’ll punch a baby walrus. Facebook should be about friend requesting people you met one time at a party, not playing a bunch of stupid games.

News Feed Pollution:

I’m creating a new rule; If you status update more than three times an hour, I can no longer be your friend. There is no way your life is so important we need to know everything about everything. Here’s what I’m talking about…

Annoying New Mom 12:50 pm: Oh my gosh, my baby just farted. It was so funny. He’s pretty much the cutest baby ever. Baby farts for the win.

Annoying New Mom 12:53 pm: My baby is eating food now. Mom said he should have breast milk, but I was too tired and I’m kinda sore so I gave him Cheetos instead. Lolz.

Annoying New Mom 12:57 pm: Time to put the little guy down for a nap. I’m so worn out. Being a mom is way more work than I ever thought. Good thing I can whine about it on Facebook.

I’ve removed many a people from my Facebook friend list after misuse of status updates. Every TV show experienced, every weather condition observed, and every meal eaten need not be the subject of a status update. Consider yourself warned.

Poke me and die:

Self explanatory.

There are about a million other Facebook commandments I can think of. Don’t tag me if I’m in the background of one of your pictures. Don’t Facebook chat me every time I log on. Don’t invite me to your “hey guys I lost my phone, need your numbers” group. I can literally feel me blood boiling. AHHHHH!!!! Okay, time to go check my Facebook 🙂

What are your facebook commandments? What do your friends do that irritates you? Why is facebook so annoying and so addicting!?

To see the other things I want to punch in the face click here.

If you would like to be considered for a “Things I want to punch in the face” guest post get in touch with me and hopefully we can work something out. Only rules are it has to be funny and you have to be passionate.