I’m sorry y’all but I need to take a minute today and rant about one of my least favorite things…smelly people. I’d like to think I have a pretty high gag reflex. I can eat gross foods. Watch live surgeries. Heck, I’ve even put a dead guy in a body bag. But the one thing I can not tolerate is people who emit wretched odors. There are three types of people that particularly drive me crazy…
You know this person. Their hair is usually a little greasy. Their teeth a little yellow. And their armpits a little sweaty. You don’t know for sure, but if you had to guess, you’d bet they haven’t seen the inside of a bathroom in a good 6 months. Maybe it’s a coworker, friend, or family member. You dread having to talk to them because you will have to pretend like their smell doesn’t want to make you projectile vomit all over them. For Christmas you give them a Starbucks card, but really you wanted to give them a toothbrush, a bar of soap, and a power washer.
If you aren’t showering, brushing your teeth, deodorizing your pits, etc on a daily basis, please do us all a favor and NEVER LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!
Since when has it been socially acceptable to walk around shoeless? Unless you are homeless, it’s probably okay to expect you wear some freakin’ shoes at work, on an airplane, in a nightclub, or while you are walking down the street. We’re not living in the 1960’s anymore, shoes are the standard now! I get it. Being shoeless is “comfortable”. Maybe that’s true for you, but for the rest of us it’s a freakin’ nightmare. We don’t want to smell your feet.
This might be the worse offender of them all. No this person doesn’t emit crazy body odor. Their mouth doesn’t wreak of garlic and onion. They even have shoes on their feet. I gotta break this category down by gender to better explain…
Women: Please be aware of everything you put on your body. If you wash your hair with cucumber and green tea body soap, lotion up with vanilla bean shea butter, and spray 98 pumps of Chanel perfume on your neck and wrists, please avoid coming within 200 feet of me. That is unless you catch me on a day I’m wearing my Hazardous Material full body suit. I understand you want to smell good, but all you are doing is giving me a headache. Tone it down.
Men: Axe body spray is not a shower replacement. Contrary to popular belief, you will not be able to avoid bathing yourself for an entire week, throw on a bit of Axe, and expect the ladies to throw themselves at you like they do in the commercials. This is the real world buddy. The only thing worse than the smell of Axe, is the smell of Axe on a smelly frat boy. Vomit!
Please, for the love of all that is holy, forward this public service announcement to any coworker, family, or friend that might need to read it. It’s time, those of us with reasonable hygiene, take a stand against the forces of evil and demand a hygienic reformation! If you smell like a combination of hot garbage, death, and Cheetos please do us all a favor and take a shower! Together, we can change the world, one smelly person at a time.