Things I want to punch in the face: Cats

November 3, 2010 · 57 comments

Killer Cats

After two days of blog posts actually focused around personal finance, it’s time for a little change of pace. Most other PF bloggers have some type of weekly or monthly series they publish. I however, have never had a series about anything…ever. So today, I’m proud to introduce Punch Debt In The Face’s very first blog series: “Things I want to punch in the face“. Pretty original right…haha! There’s no better way to get this party started than just jumping right in with this weeks topic: Cats!

I know, I know… I’m treading on thin ice here. Some of you will probably unsubscribe at the very mention of my disdain for the feline species, but you know what…if you like cats I don’t want you reading my blog anyways (<— that was for dramatic effect, please don’t stop reading). Call me a cat racist, but I can’t think of a single reason anyone would want to own one. Here are some reasons why I hate them…


I feel like everybody I know is allergic to cats. Some quick, and probably completely inaccurate, internet research indicated 25% of people have cat allergies. I know I can’t be in a room with one without feeling like someone poured tobasco sauce in my eyeballs and lemon juice down my throat.

A few years back, I stayed at a friends house who had a cat. It took me four days to stop sneezing and projectile vomiting everywhere from my allergy. (Okay, I didn’t really projectile vomit, but I wanted to, so I could get the disgusting cat molecules out of my body). If you own a cat you might as well put a sign on your door that says “I hate 25% of my friends.”

They’re either really dumb or just really rude:

One of my favorite ways to make some side income is by housesitting. It’s seriously the easiest money ever…”You mean you are going to pay me to use your hot tub, eat your food, and use your washer and dryer?” Sign me up!

That said, one of the families that frequently asks me to housesit for them has a cat. An evil black cat. Part of my chore list obviously involves making sure the cat gets two meals a day. Easier said than done. Either their cat is really dumb or really rude because the thing never comes to eat. No matter how many times I call Harold’s name, he doesn’t appear to understand what is going on. He just stares at me blankly and sits on the porch. If I step towards him, he runs away. I hate you Harold!

They’re everywhere:

This is probably the biggest reason I want to punch cats in the face. It’s the only domestic animal that’s not really domestic. They’re everywhere! Look here Miss Neighbor lady, if I see your freakin cat in my yard, on my porch, in my driveway, or anywhere near my house, I’m going to punt the thing like a football….

cat punt

Seriously, when did society decide cats are free to roam the earth as they please? If you own a cat, do the right thing, and keep the darn thing contained to your property. You like cats. I don’t. I shouldn’t have to deal with your cat gettin’ all up in my business.

They’re the junior varsity version of dogs:

Yeah I said it. Cats are the ugly red headed step child of Dogs. Why anyone would ever want a cat over a dog is beyond me. Let’s re-examine the three examples above…

While I can list off three or four people I know with cat allergies, I can only think of one person allergic to dogs. Not to mention there are several breeds of hypoallergenic dogs. Dogs 1, Cats 0.

Dogs are smarter. Period. They come when you ask them to come. When you talk to a dog, they often tilt their head as though they are trying to understand what you are saying. Cats don’t. They just walk away and pee on couches. Dogs 2, Cats 0.

Dogs stay where they are suppose to. I rarely, I’m talking like 1 out of a billion nights, see a dog wandering the neighborhood with no owner in site. I respect any animal that doesn’t get all up in my grill when I want nothing to do with it. Dogs 3, Cats 0

I could seriously go on forever, but I’ll end today’s rant here. I know I’m not the only one with an opinion though, so go ahead and drop a line below as to why you LOVE or HATE cats. I can’t wait for all the drama that’s about to unfold!!!

p.s. If you have something you would like to punch in the face, get in touch with me, and we can see about adding you to this new series. Only rule is, your rant has to be funny and lighthearted!

If you actually want some personal finance mumbo jumbo I have a guest post up on the Lending Tree Blog that you should go read :)

**No cats were harmed during the creation of this blog post**