Last week I introduced a new series “Things I want to punch in the face.” I was blown away by the number of people that expressed interest in submitting something they want to punch. Seeing that I am feeling a little under the weather, today is the perfect opportunity to turn the mic over to Kelly (a.k.a. “Cordelia”) so she can rant her brains out.
Kelly is the author of a newly launched blog, Cordelia Calls It Quits, in which she seeks to redesign everything in an attempt to live a more awesome life. Having tried the 9-5, bottom-line mentality on for size (and found it sorely lacking), she is now on a mission to live deliberately and on her own terms. You should check it out. Begin guest post now…
Since Ninja was so bold as to kick this series off with the controversial topic of cat hating, I’m inspired to venture my own risky vote for things I would like to punch in the face: People Who Insist I Should Have Kids.
Let me start by saying that if you have kids, or want to have kids, that’s cool by me. More power to you. The people I have the irresistible urge to punch, are those who can’t seem to accept that fact that I have no desire to have kids myself. I don’t know if they take it as a personal affront to their value systems, or if maybe they’re afraid I have something against all children and I won’t rest at not having my own kids, but will soon be coming for theirs. I don’t know, but it has to be something along those lines. They’re the only reasons I can think of for the extreme reaction I get from some people.
I have no problem admitting that some (o.k., most) of my reasons for not wanting kids are totally selfish:
- I like getting 8 hours of sleep a night.
- I’m bothered by things that are inexplicably sticky.
- I hate movies about talking animals that go on adventures.
- I like eating Cold Stone Creamery for dinner without feeling bad that I’m not setting a good example for someone.
- I like knowing that when I leave the house, I can just toss my dog a few treats and she’ll be fine till I get back. She may chew on some laundry while I’m gone, but she won’t stick her paw into a light socket or anything.
But even if I try giving some deep, philosophical excuse like, “There are enough children in the world already” or “I’m a wuss and I can’t imagine ever going through that much pain,” it doesn’t matter. There are some people who seem to believe, with almost religious fervor, that I will forever rue my decision not to have kids. And they try their hardest to convert me and save me from the sad little half-life I’ll be living otherwise.
Things will change, they insist. You’re too young to know what you really want. To which I say, I’m pretty certain I will always enjoy sleeping and not being responsible for the formation of another human being’s complete life experience. And if things ever change so much that I find myself raving about how awesome “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore” is, you have full permission to punch me in the face.
You don’t know what you’re missing! they insist. It’s totally worth it! This is usually after they’ve regaled me with stories of how their kid stuck gummy bears in all their electronics and then went on a two-hour tantrum bender.
Or, my personal favorite (told to me by more than one relative, disturbingly enough): Mistakes can happen. Ahh, now I see where you’re coming from! Who doesn’t want a nice little “mistake” in their lives? Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?
Again, I’d like to state that I have nothing against kids personally. They’re cute, they’re fun, and if you want to have a dozen of them, I respect that. I think you’re insane, but I won’t try to stop you. I just don’t want any of my own, and I don’t see why I have to convince other people that I mean that. You can show me videos of your newborn’s first diaper change or hold up his impossibly tiny little socks all you want. I’m not budging. And you can’t make me.
And besides, if I ever were to become a parent, I know that my child would grow up to have a plethora of psychological issues. Not the least of which would stem from the fact that his name would be Washcloth Excitement a) because his father thinks it would be funny to name a kid “Washcloth,” and b) because if the poor kid has to go through life with a first name like that, the least you can do is enable him to say, “Excitement? My middle name is Excitement!”
So yeah. If you still think I’m the sort of person who should become a parent, I welcome your argument. It had better be a good one.
Ninja’s Comments: There are two things I’ve taken away from this article. 1) People need to stop getting all up in other peoples’ business. 2) Washcloth Excitement sounds like a horrible name for a child, but not as bad as a teacher I know who had a student named Shithead. No joke. It was spelled exactly like that, but pronounced Sha-theed.
If you would like to be considered for a “Things I want to punch in the face”, guest post get in touch with me and hopefully we can work something out. Only rules are it has to be funny and you have to be passionate.