Oh no you didn’t (Mom Ninja Post)

August 5, 2010 · 18 comments

You all are in for a real treat. I will be out of town from August 6th through August 20th. As much as I would like to blog while I’m on my honeymoon, I imagine I’ll be having a lot more fun doing “other things”. I’ve got some awesome guest posts lined up for you over the next two weeks. Many days, I’ll be publishing two articles, so be sure to check back around lunch time. See you all on the 22nd!

It’s a little earlier than expected, but today I bless you with a guest post from the infamous Mom Ninja. She hooked me up with an incredibly humbling story. Give her some shout outs and positive feedback in the comments below and I bet we can convince her to write again. On to her post…

Dad ninja and I married when we were young, 19. We had our
family early as well, first kid at 21. I was truly fortunate to stay at home
and tend to all the little ninja’s while Dad Ninja had to go to work
everyday.

I would always jokingly tell people we have a 50/50 marriage. He is
responsible for the credits and I am in charge of the debits.
While people often thought this was a joke, sadly it was true.

I came from a family with no money so I had no clue how to handle it or what
its truth worth really was. Financial freedom? I’d never heard of that.

So While dad was off toiling at work everyday, I would take the kids to the park, shopping, and even to Disneyland! This plan worked well for sometime,  that is, until our family grew. Which meant our expenses also grew. I found myself having to decide weather to pay a bill or say
no to my children. Unfortunately, I chose poorly.

I love my husband and would never cheat on him, at least that is what I
thought, until I heard the word Financial Infidelity. I had to sit back
and realize I was guilty of that. Dad Ninja can have a bit of a temper so
it was just easier to leave him in the dark. Now don’t get me wrong, his
temper would consist of a little yelling, a drive in the car to calm down
and then some silent treatment, but it was too much for me to bare so I just
would not tell him about our finances and would juggle what was paid and
what was not paid.

This all came to a head of course when something as simple as a phone call,
that was answered by the mister, informed him we were late on a significant
bill. You guessed it, he confronted me with the bill and I had to admit my
Financial Infidelity on the spot. I felt DIRTY. As if I had let him and my
whole family down. Well, after a few shouts, a long drive, and some silence, we talked
everything out. Got back on track. And I’m happy to say 29 years later he still
comes home to me after a long day at work.

So, whether you are just starting out or have been together a while, don’t make the same mistake I did and
think it’s ok to avoid the confrontation. You have to be faithful in all aspects of your marriage including financially. While it may be harder to wait for something it is always better to discuss it and avoid the mistakes I, and many others, have made.

Now, think for a moment was there any thing in your past that made you
unfaithful in your spending….no judging here but really think about
it, I don’t mean gifts or engagements rings but things you know the other
person would be surprised to find were not handled correctly.

1 Everyday Tips

Great post Mom Ninja.

I am not a spender and never have been. I think it was because I grew up with nothing and paid my own expenses from a very young age. Therefore, my spending habits were established very early and never changed.

I guess if my husband ever looked at our credit card bill and saw how much I spend at Panera Bread, he might be a little frustrated… :)

Please write again!

2 psycharah

Wow-your honesty is impressive Mom Ninja! I fully believe in financial infidelity. Very early on in my relationship with my now husband, he spent a huge pile of cash we didn’t have on a non-necessity (a toy really) after we explictly discussed waiting to buy it until we’d paid off our credit card. I was so angry and hurt because I felt I couldn’t trust him. It took a while to build back that trust, but here we are, married 9 years (this happened about 2 years before we got married) and we are much more open about money than I think we would have been if not for that unfortunate situation. As one of my mentors always said, “learning experiences are those which you wish you weren’t having at the time”. I’m with you-bite the bullet, be honest, and work through these sticky issues.

3 Michelle

completely agree that going through this (I was the one ‘hiding’ debt from my hubby) makes for stronger communications. But coming clean takes a LOT of courage…and rebuilding trust is a long process.

4 Red

I really appreciate this honest post. My grandmother has handled her and my grandfather’s finances similarly most of her life to avoid telling him about $20,000 (if not more by now) she’s racked up in credit card debt. I may print this off and hand it to her next week!

Confrontation is better than betrayal any day. My grandmother worries that Papaw would divorce her (I think she’s being a bit of a drama queen.) if he knew the truth. I would be much more upset to know my husband had kept a secret from me for years than just know that he had goofed up. We all make mistakes, but if you admit to them early enough, you can work on a solution together. Good for you, Mom Ninja! :)

5 Brian

Great post. Communication is always the key in any marriage. Financial communication might even be a bigger one.

6 Jessie

Great Post!

The rest of Ninja’s guest posters will have their work cut out for them.

I agree that you’ve got to keep all aspects of relationship open and honest right from the beginning. I’m proud to say that Jordan and I have not fallen to financial infidelity.

7 Sandy L

I heart mom ninja. Please write more. Great article.

My husband and I keep our accounts separate and we have an understanding that as long as the bills get paid and we are both contributing to our long term goals, we can spend the rest at our discretion.

I really don’t want to know how much he spends on fishing lures and I’m sure he doesn’t want to know how much I spend to color my hair.

We usually do tell each other a planned big purchase. I decided when I started my blog that I wanted my own laptop. Our home computer is fully utilized by gaming after hours. He claims that he’s willing to share, but I always feel like I’m borrowing his computer vs using our computer. Anyway, it was a 5 minute conversation and well worth it.

8 Michelle

It is awesome to ‘come clean’ – the truism that it hurts me more than it hurts you is correct when you’re keeping financial infidelity a secret. And I agree with psycharah – getting through this kind of thing in a relationship, rebuilding the trust with open communication CAN make a better partnership in money-matters. Thanks for posting, MomNinja.

Now tell us the important scoop – is your mother-of-the-groom ensemble kick-butt or fuddy-duddy?

9 momninja

Well,

My dress when it arrived did not fit….ARGH! I spent the day before the wedding finding another one and luckily DN thought it Rocked!

THE DAY WAS AMAZING!

Can’t wait until DN shares the blacked out photos with you all!

10 MattyIce

Great post mom ninja! Can’t wait to meet you on the ninja wedding day!

11 momninja

Sorry we did not meet! The wedding was great ! Thanks for sharing this day with us.

12 Budgeting in the Fun Stuff

Thanks for the from-the-heart post!

Luckily, Mr. BFS and I have always been 100% open about our money (even before marriage) but we’ve gone through some major problems too. Trust can be earned and destroyed in so many ways (not just financial or physical infidelity)…I’m just glad we worked through everything before we got married.

Thanks again for a very-much-needed reminder to be open and honest. Hope you have a fanastic time at the wedding too!

13 Jessica

Great post mom ninja!
Just like you control the debits in my marriage. I don’t do any major lying, but I might tell him about the many trips to my craft store for yarn :)

14 Mrs. Accountability

Thanks for the post, Mom Ninja! I’m glad you finally ‘fessed up and Dad Ninja wasn’t too angry. You must be so proud of your Boy Ninja. Congratulations on gaining a daughter!

15 Trina

Great post Mom Ninja! What a wonderful lesson to learn so early in your marriage. I love the live and learn posts;)
Trina

16 Sara

As someone about to embark on money sharing with my man, I fully appreciate this warning!! :)

17 Vi

That was a very sweet, honest, and inspiring story. Thank you for blessing us Mom Ninja. :-)

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