Things I want to punch in the face: Baby Worshippers

Last week I introduced a new series “Things I want to punch in the face.” I was blown away by the number of people that expressed interest in submitting something they want to punch. Seeing that I am feeling a little under the weather, today is the perfect opportunity to turn the mic over to Kelly (a.k.a. “Cordelia”) so she can rant her brains out.

Kelly is the author of a newly launched blog, Cordelia Calls It Quits, in which she seeks to redesign everything in an attempt to live a more awesome life.  Having tried the 9-5, bottom-line mentality on for size (and found it sorely lacking), she is now on a mission to live deliberately and on her own terms. You should check it out. Begin guest post now…

Creepy Dad

Since Ninja was so bold as to kick this series off with the controversial topic of cat hating, I’m inspired to venture my own risky vote for things I would like to punch in the face: People Who Insist I Should Have Kids.

Let me start by saying that if you have kids, or want to have kids, that’s cool by me.  More power to you. The people I have the irresistible urge to punch, are those who can’t seem to accept that fact that I have no desire to have kids myself.  I don’t know if they take it as a personal affront to their value systems, or if maybe they’re afraid I have something against all children and I won’t rest at not having my own kids, but will soon be coming for theirs.  I don’t know, but it has to be something along those lines.  They’re the only reasons I can think of for the extreme reaction I get from some people.

I have no problem admitting that some (o.k., most) of my reasons for not wanting kids are totally selfish:

  • I like getting 8 hours of sleep a night.
  • I’m bothered by things that are inexplicably sticky.
  • I hate movies about talking animals that go on adventures.
  • I like eating Cold Stone Creamery for dinner without feeling bad that I’m not setting a good example for someone.
  • I like knowing that when I leave the house, I can just toss my dog a few treats and she’ll be fine till I get back.  She may chew on some laundry while I’m gone, but she won’t stick her paw into a light socket or anything.

But even if I try giving some deep, philosophical excuse like, “There are enough children in the world already” or “I’m a wuss and I can’t imagine ever going through that much pain,” it doesn’t matter.  There are some people who seem to believe, with almost religious fervor, that I will forever rue my decision not to have kids.  And they try their hardest to convert me and save me from the sad little half-life I’ll be living otherwise.

Things will change, they insist.  You’re too young to know what you really want.  To which I say, I’m pretty certain I will always enjoy sleeping and not being responsible for the formation of another human being’s complete life experience.  And if things ever change so much that I find myself raving about how awesome “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore” is, you have full permission to punch me in the face.

You don’t know what you’re missing! they insist.  It’s totally worth it! This is usually after they’ve regaled me with stories of how their kid stuck gummy bears in all their electronics and then went on a two-hour tantrum bender.

Or, my personal favorite (told to me by more than one relative, disturbingly enough):  Mistakes can happen.  Ahh, now I see where you’re coming from!  Who doesn’t want a nice little “mistake” in their lives?  Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?

Again, I’d like to state that I have nothing against kids personally.  They’re cute, they’re fun, and if you want to have a dozen of them, I respect that.  I think you’re insane, but I won’t try to stop you.  I just don’t want any of my own, and I don’t see why I have to convince other people that I mean that.  You can show me videos of your newborn’s first diaper change or hold up his impossibly tiny little socks all you want.  I’m not budging.  And you can’t make me.

And besides, if I ever were to become a parent, I know that my child would grow up to have a plethora of psychological issues. Not the least of which would stem from the fact that his name would be Washcloth Excitement a) because his father thinks it would be funny to name a kid “Washcloth,” and b) because if the poor kid has to go through life with a first name like that, the least you can do is enable him to say, “Excitement?  My middle name is Excitement!”

So yeah.  If you still think I’m the sort of person who should become a parent, I welcome your argument.  It had better be a good one.

Ninja’s Comments: There are two things I’ve taken away from this article. 1) People need to stop getting all up in other peoples’ business. 2) Washcloth Excitement sounds like a horrible name for a child, but not as bad as a teacher I know who had a student named Shithead. No joke. It was spelled exactly like that, but pronounced Sha-theed.

If you would like to be considered for a “Things I want to punch in the face”, guest post get in touch with me and hopefully we can work something out. Only rules are it has to be funny and you have to be passionate.

Things I want to punch in the face: Cats

Killer Cats

After two days of blog posts actually focused around personal finance, it’s time for a little change of pace. Most other PF bloggers have some type of weekly or monthly series they publish. I however, have never had a series about anything…ever. So today, I’m proud to introduce Punch Debt In The Face’s very first blog series: “Things I want to punch in the face“. Pretty original right…haha! There’s no better way to get this party started than just jumping right in with this weeks topic: Cats!

I know, I know… I’m treading on thin ice here. Some of you will probably unsubscribe at the very mention of my disdain for the feline species, but you know what…if you like cats I don’t want you reading my blog anyways (<— that was for dramatic effect, please don’t stop reading). Call me a cat racist, but I can’t think of a single reason anyone would want to own one. Here are some reasons why I hate them…

Allergies:

I feel like everybody I know is allergic to cats. Some quick, and probably completely inaccurate, internet research indicated 25% of people have cat allergies. I know I can’t be in a room with one without feeling like someone poured tobasco sauce in my eyeballs and lemon juice down my throat.

A few years back, I stayed at a friends house who had a cat. It took me four days to stop sneezing and projectile vomiting everywhere from my allergy. (Okay, I didn’t really projectile vomit, but I wanted to, so I could get the disgusting cat molecules out of my body). If you own a cat you might as well put a sign on your door that says “I hate 25% of my friends.”

They’re either really dumb or just really rude:

One of my favorite ways to make some side income is by housesitting. It’s seriously the easiest money ever…”You mean you are going to pay me to use your hot tub, eat your food, and use your washer and dryer?” Sign me up!

That said, one of the families that frequently asks me to housesit for them has a cat. An evil black cat. Part of my chore list obviously involves making sure the cat gets two meals a day. Easier said than done. Either their cat is really dumb or really rude because the thing never comes to eat. No matter how many times I call Harold’s name, he doesn’t appear to understand what is going on. He just stares at me blankly and sits on the porch. If I step towards him, he runs away. I hate you Harold!

They’re everywhere:

This is probably the biggest reason I want to punch cats in the face. It’s the only domestic animal that’s not really domestic. They’re everywhere! Look here Miss Neighbor lady, if I see your freakin cat in my yard, on my porch, in my driveway, or anywhere near my house, I’m going to punt the thing like a football….

cat punt

Seriously, when did society decide cats are free to roam the earth as they please? If you own a cat, do the right thing, and keep the darn thing contained to your property. You like cats. I don’t. I shouldn’t have to deal with your cat gettin’ all up in my business.

They’re the junior varsity version of dogs:

Yeah I said it. Cats are the ugly red headed step child of Dogs. Why anyone would ever want a cat over a dog is beyond me. Let’s re-examine the three examples above…

While I can list off three or four people I know with cat allergies, I can only think of one person allergic to dogs. Not to mention there are several breeds of hypoallergenic dogs. Dogs 1, Cats 0.

Dogs are smarter. Period. They come when you ask them to come. When you talk to a dog, they often tilt their head as though they are trying to understand what you are saying. Cats don’t. They just walk away and pee on couches. Dogs 2, Cats 0.

Dogs stay where they are suppose to. I rarely, I’m talking like 1 out of a billion nights, see a dog wandering the neighborhood with no owner in site. I respect any animal that doesn’t get all up in my grill when I want nothing to do with it. Dogs 3, Cats 0

I could seriously go on forever, but I’ll end today’s rant here. I know I’m not the only one with an opinion though, so go ahead and drop a line below as to why you LOVE or HATE cats. I can’t wait for all the drama that’s about to unfold!!!

p.s. If you have something you would like to punch in the face, get in touch with me, and we can see about adding you to this new series. Only rule is, your rant has to be funny and lighthearted!

If you actually want some personal finance mumbo jumbo I have a guest post up on the Lending Tree Blog that you should go read 🙂

**No cats were harmed during the creation of this blog post**